I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
