My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just gift wrapped bread.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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