Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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