i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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