apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
