I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize