On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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