Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
