he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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