theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
