I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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