Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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