he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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