I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm passing your future prison.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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