she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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