It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im six kinds of drunk right now
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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