I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
All I want is dick and wine.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
