Already got asked if we're dating
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
