i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
