it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
