Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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