Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
