i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
