Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
