I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
