I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
