I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
