I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
