it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
