I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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