just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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