I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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