I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
