Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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