You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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