If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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