She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
