she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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