Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Everything about him screamed your future.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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