Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
