I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
