I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
