Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
