it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
