i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize