just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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