Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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