I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
