i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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