Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
