I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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