Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
