I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
