I puked a lego.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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