there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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