Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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