God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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