Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
