I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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