I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
