we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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