in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize