Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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