I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
