Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
