when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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