im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
