can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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