Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
